I used to look forward to fall...

Fall is by far my very favorite season! Football, long sleeves, the colors, the smells and the FOOD! Oh the food. You know what mean? Soups, Chili, macaroni and cheese, stuffed baked potato, pumpkin pie. Yep....I always loved fall.
I woke up today and the crispness of the fall morning made me immediately crave banana bread. I mean it was almost subconscious.  The craving was BAAAAD. I wanted Banana bread and I wanted it right then. I told Chris. Sometimes it helps get it out of my head to just say it out loud. I made myself get busy doing other stuff to keep my mind off it. When lunch time came around I decided I was going to turn this into a positive. I made a banana bread shake and it was AMAZING!! It helped so much! The craving was gone and I got rid of it without cheating. What a relief.
I am sure the rest of the season will be tough this year. Hopefully it will get easier with time. I will re-learn to celebrate this season and the upcoming season differently without it being all about the food.

Today was hard...

We went yesterday to a birthday party for Chris' grandpa's 90th birthday. Actually it went very smoothly. It was  a little tough standing in the kitchen with three kinds of cake and two kinds of ice cream. I promptly left the kitchen and sat in the living room and visited. It got easier.
Today was my sisters birthday party and she chose one of her favorite restaurants, Blue Sky. Now normally this would have made me very excited! Today, it made me have a panic attack. Blue Sky = the most amazing hamburgers you have ever had and CHEESE FRIES! Oh the cheese fries. The mere thought of the cheese fries almost made me want to throw out this whole life change. Then I began to cry. Maybe I just shouldn't go. Maybe staying home and cooking was the answer to this quandary. Sigh....No. I needed to go for my sisters birthday. She is probably the best sister there ever was...really. I had to go. So off we went and even in the car on the way we had the conversation about how we had done so good the last couple of days we would just go eat our hamburger and fries and not feel bad. Even though I felt TERRIBLE even saying it. I think Chris did too.
We got there and noticed that not only was it just family there were several of her friends there also. It kinda made me uncomfortable at first. Eating in front of lots of people always does. I don't know why. Maybe that's a post for another day. But them being there somehow knocked some sense into me. My sisters father in law was there and is a client of ours. I still have to be an example of the healthy active lifestyle! So we look over the menu and found a grill chicken Caesar salad and it sounded good! I ordered that and a water and went and sat down. Our food came and the chicken on salad was all crispy and fried. Oh man. What do I do? I threw the dressing on the salad and started to take a bite. STOP. What in the heck are you doing?? Chris saw the look on my face and asked if he could just take it back. In my head I was thinking HECK NO!! That looks amazing. I managed to shake my head yes. It was hard. Totally hard. I couldn't believe how hard! Chris brought back the salad with the grilled chicken and I ate it. It was good! I didn't feel bad or guilty or heavy or bloated. I did it. I DID IT!! I made the right choice! It felt good. One day at a time. Sometimes one choice at a time. But hopefully, each choice, each day will get easier.

Feeling Good...

Well I got through probably the most dreaded part of this whole deal...telling my MOTHER!! Yes my mother. Now I love my mom. She is amazing and loving and just the best mama you could ask for...BUT...she LOVES food and so does my dad! You can not walk into their home with out finding home made cakes, cookies, brownies or bread on her counter. My dad thinks dinner isnt complete without desert. So needless to say I was nervous to tell her that would either change or I wouldnt be coming over as often anymore. Well so moment of truth...I come clean about my addiction and tell her I MUST avoid these foods and what does she say? "Dad and I will do it with you!" Wow!! Really?? Like it was that easy! No ultimatums or nothing! Phew...relief...sweet sweet relief!

I have some more crazy exciting things in the works that I cant talk about yet, but I will update soon!

Amazed

I am simply shocked and amazed at the outpouring of love and support. I mean I knew I had people who loved and cared for me, but people are coming out of the word works and showing their support.
I woke up yesterday morning almost sorry I had come clean to the one friend I had talked to about it. But the more the day went on and the more I talked about it, the better I felt. I am sure my poor husband was so tired of listening to me "confess" all day long of the things I had done behind his back. I decided by late evening to just blog about it instead. I expected a few "views" on this blog, but was blown away at 52 views this morning!! Please know that with all of your support and prayers and with the strength I KNOW God will help me with I will get through this!

I did alot of research yesterday on Food Addiction and learned so much! I will be walking the steps through recovery (hopefully) through Celebrate Recovery. Here is the definition of their program from their website:
"Celebrate Recovery is a biblical and balanced program that helps us overcome our hurts, hang-ups, and habits.  It is based on the actual words of Jesus rather than psychological theory."
 I really think this is the kind of program for me being that I want to be closer to God and love him with all of my mind, BODY, and spirit!! I feel like this part of my life has put such a wedge in my relationship with Him.

I talked with a friend yesterday whose daughter is walking the steps through CR for alcoholism. She said "you know Enjoli my daughter brought up a good point. Food addiction has to be one of the tougher ones to overcome. You can abstain from alcohol. You can abstain from drugs. But you have to eat!". So TRUE! This is what has me feel so defeated before. But through my research on the FA Website their suggestion is to abstain from white flours and sugar. These seem to be the "problem foods". So I spent the morning pinning Paleo recipes on pinterest in hopes that this switch for my dinners and snacks might help me! Most of the recipes looks amazing and I am actually very excited about the switch.

So thats where I am today. Hopeful!

XOXO
Enjoli

I am editing this post to say that I am still doing my shakes!! I still drink two shakes a day and take my tabs 3 X per day! I am in no means going 100% paleo! Just in what I cook for dinner!! 

There IS a problem...

They say the first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one, right? Well here it is...I HAVE A PROBLEM. I am an addict. I am not addicted to the most well known things like alcohol, cocaine, meth or marijuana. Most people with my problem suffer in silence. No one talks about it. I was even told recently that I "just needed some self control".
I am a food addict. Addicted to the way food makes me feel. I make excuses to eat. I look forward to eating. I eat until I am stuffed and then add more on top of that. I hide to eat. I sneak food so my husband wont know. I sneak food so my kids wont know. I am a food addict.
 I worried about revealing this struggle to anyone. But just recently I back slid so far I feel like I needed to get myself some help. So here I go. Starting my journey to a healthier state of mind. A journey of recovery that I know God and your support will help me through. Pray for me sweet friends.